Tallinn's Story

There's days I hate my job.

Couple months ago, I got caught pocketing some o' th' gate fees by some snot-nose lieutenant what was supposed to be down at th' tavern like a normal officer instead of sneakin' 'round and spyin' on us poor, underpaid guardsmen. Normally, it wouldn't'a been a problem - just a slap onna wrist an' gettin' moved to a street patrol for a couple weeks until the noise died down. Normally. What I didn't know was that the Peregrine'd started a big corruption cleanup program, an' just the night before, taxmen had figured out exactly how much money The City was losing because the Gods-damned Customs men were pocketing tariffs and helping smugglers. So I got to be an example to my fellows.

I got put on the shit duties as punishment. Sarge, he says he went easy on me 'cause the Captain an' he knew my Da, said my family'd taken The City's brass for 3 generations and he'd look out for me. First week, I was polishin' armor an' weapons for the station. Second week, Sarge caught me an' a couple of the Boys dicing behind the jakes an' he got all pissed an' put me on Animal Control.

Animal Control, that's the shittiest of shit jobs. You gotta get up early an' do a lotta walkin', but it ain't a patrol, where the merchant's'll give you some blackroot tea or pastries so you'll stick around their shops an' scare off troublemakers. No, you gotta do all this walkin' an' follow up on reports o' folk what got dangerous animals. Whether the animals is there or not, the civilians're pissed 'cause you're right there in their home rootin' around - an' the Peregrine, he's said to make note of other infractions you see when you search an' leave a receipt if you have to confiscate anything and be polite no matter what they say to you. Sometimes, folks'll offer you a little somethin' to note that they wasn't home, but you gotta be careful, 'cause if you get caught, you're screwed right and proper. The worst part, though, is when the animal's there, 'cause you gotta catch it an' take it down to th' station, an' most o' th' animals on the prohibited list, they're pretty Gods-damned dangerous.

So one day, Me an' Marrick an' Kemper, we get a list of assignments an' it's mostly the usual bullshit - a neighbor's pissed at someone, so they make up some dumbass story an' we gotta check up on it. First couple o' places, it's routine - one guy tries to start somethin', but Marrick roughed 'im up a little an' he didn't give us no more lip. We're out there all day, an' it's a really hot one, and dry. Last apartment - we're all parched an' thinkin' about how if this lead don't pan out, there'd be time for us to stop an' have a few ales afore we head back to the station - there's a report the occupant's got her somethin' noisy that don't sound like a cat. Cats, they're OK, 'cause they eat rats. Anything bigger, though, an' you gotta get a permit.

We knock on th' door, an' this old lady answers. Kemper says, "Good afternoon madam. We have been informed that you may be in violation of City Code 340-54, Paragraph 4 and have been authorized by The City to search your dwelling for unauthorized animals." That's what we gotta say, the officers say. Makes it all official-like.

The old lady, she gets all weird an' looks like she's fixin' to cry, but she lets us in an' she offers us a little wine. We ain't fools - free's free, so we figure we'll call it done once we finish the wine, 'cause it ain't like an old lady could really have somethin' dangerous, right? So we're sittin' there drinkin' our wine an' th' old lady, she says, "I don't know why someone would have a problem with Boopsie, he's such a sweet boy. Hardly any trouble at all!" I figure she's got a little animal an' one o' her neighbors is bein' a busybody.

She starts to get worked up, talkin' about how her Boopsie's all she's got an' she sure would hate to lose him, her bein' in her declining years an' all, an' the three of us are feelin' pretty low, and Marrick starts to talk about how he's sure it's all a mistake an' we're sorry to have been a bother, when we hear it.

It a godawful thumpin' an' splashin' an' we realize there's somethin' goin' on. Marrick gets up to open th' door an' the lady, she's cryin' an' tellin' us that her little Boopsie's just a little hungry an' he's no bother an' he's the one bright spot in her life an' why can't we just leave him be. Kemper, he picks up his shield an' I grab my sword when Marrick opens th' door.

He starts to, at least, but when he unlatches it, the door slams open th' rest o' th' way an' out comes Boopsie. Boopsie, he ain't so little, he's the biggest Gods-damned swamp dragon I ever seen - at least twice as long as I'm tall. I see back in th' room, an' it there's blood everywhere an' a big pool o' water an' a corpse floatin' in th' water. So Boopsie charges into th' room, an Marrick, he screams an' jumps out th' window 'cause he's terrified of dragons, and the old lady, she's crying and trying to calm down little Boopsie, an' me an' Kemper, we're backed up against the wall an' he looks at me and says, 'Tallin, I'll distract it - you go get some backup.' So I'm no dummy, I ease over to the door, and little Boopsie, he lunges for my arse as I make a break for it, and the next thing I know, me and Marrick are outside the Station House getting reinforcements an' someone says, 'Hey, Tallin, did you know you've got a chunk missing?' and I notice I'm bleeding and I faint dead away.

Kemper, he got found when they finally killed the dragon. He'd got ate in looked like three bites - teeth went right through his chain mail - an' th' old lady, it turned out she'd run a animal show when she was younger an' ol' Boopsie was the last animal from th' show. Turns out she'd invite beggars to her house, get 'em drunk an' feed 'em to Boopsie. There was a couple kids missing from around there too, so Captain says he figures Boopsie got them, too.

Me an' Marrick, we got moved back to street patrol after that, an' Kemper's wife got a little pension an' a personal visit from the Peregrine an' a medal what's bronze with some gold hammered over it. She cashed that in and moved in with some shopkeeper. Marrick's still twitchy, an' some o' th' kids, they've figured out they can sneak up on 'im an' roar real loud, an' he'll scream. He's asked for a transfer to High Street, I hear.

Sarge says things've finally blown over - the lieutenant what busted me, he got knifed by a boy-whore when he tried to arrest a pimp. Sarge is gonna put me back on gate duty, says he knows I can be trusted not to get caught again. I still got a chunk missin' from my arse - I sit crooked when I go to th' jakes - an' you can bet I ain't gonna get caught again.

tallinn2